Tumblelogs I follow:
Still working on not doing the exact wrong thing when it comes to relationships. At least my striaght friends suck at it too; maybe that’s why we’re friends. United in our romantic ineptitude, we keep each other company and share in understanding of the hurts of liking other people.
I do it in front of everyone, it hurts the whole way down, and after it’s all over, I just want to lay in an embarrassed, aching pile of misery at the bottom.
So as a follow up to my terrible rooming situation: I had sex last night. Well I tried to anyway. We got back from Stir fairly drunk and James was still awake and sitting in the living room. We went in my bedroom and started fucking. So far so good. Midway through though, out of nowhere, James wails on my bedroom door and shouts something like “Have some courtesy, asshole!!!”
Total shock.
First of all, who does he think he is, asking people to be courteous. SERIOUSLY. Second, after 7 months of listening to him have gross straight sex with Judy, I’d think even if we were making noise, he could do what I’VE DONE and turn on some music or find some other way to ignore it.
We finished up, and my guy said “I don’t want to sleep here, that’s really fucked up. Do you want to come stay at my place?” To be honest, I kind of did- that kind of crazy angry weirdness is unprecedented. I declined though because with the snow and work, etc, I just wanted to get sleep. I knew I was going to need a shower in the morning to not smell like sex at work.
“I’m tired of the fighting. I just want to be the friends we once were” -Chet
This week’s The Real World, the girls fought with the guys. Like, huge meltdown fighting. The roommates pretty much hated each other…and it made me think long and hard about what a shitty roommate I’ve been to James.
Sometimes, when I neglect the dishes, I don’t realize I’m doing it until James piles them all into a single sink half. The roommates in TRW actually confronted the girls about cleaning their stuff up, but I was shocked when their polite request was met with rude freaking out. I’ve never freaked out, but I still felt guilty when I saw it.
I also thought seriously about what people like Joel and Keith have been telling me- that James never really wanted to room with me, rather with my stuff. I used to laugh at that, but with the parties at my house I’m not informed of or invited to, and the general expectation of me to vacate the area when Judy is over has made me re-examine that idea.
Me and James used to be really close, we’d do everything together, and now it’s like we were just assigned to live with one another through campus housing. I see him at home, and talk to him when watching TV, but we rarely go out together and it’s always because I invited him, never the other way around. Usually I get a “no” and find out Judy is coming over when I ask. I’m not even sure if he cares enough to discuss it, and I don’t know how I’d bring it up anyway.
Ugh, it’s just weird seeing reality tv episodes so insanely relevant to what’s going on in my life. I suppose that’s the point
Ruh roh- I seem to be coming home from Stir with a fiery passion for blogging lately- which would be fine, except I usually also come home from Stir drunk.
Last night I saw Dio at Stir, which really pissed me off- not entirely sure why. My best guess: he cancelled on me last minute to go to Last Comic Standing, which I only found out about when I called to confirm we were still on. His reason for cancelling was that he was going to be celebrating his friend’s birthday and needed to get work done before that. There was no mention of Stir, no thought of “oh hey, I’m going so maybe we can hang out there instead?” So when I walked in to Stir and saw him there, I just though “whoops, I know how much you didn’t want to see me tonight, I’ll stay out of your hair”
Which I did do. I didn’t speak to him once, regrettably. Instead I avoided him. Ugh. Matt and Jonathan were there so I had people to hang out with- it was good seeing Matt for the first (sober) time since our fight on Halloween. I requested RoboCop- yet another bad decision of mine- and attempted to dance to it, while everyone else cleared the dance floor. Thankfully Jonathan was there to assist.
Showing up to Stir sober, I “met” a remarkable number of people I had “met” before. I felt like an amnesia patient. People walking up to me and talking to me as if I had any idea who they were. Or worse- introducing myself to somebody who proceded to gasp and say “I can’t believe you don’t remember me!”
There’s a lot of things I’d like to not remember a lot more than your name, sorry.
Well it would appear Heather was dead right- and she never even met the guy. Not that I’m pleased in any way- I really thought the guy was great. Just from hearing about him though, she could tell he was no good, but I did my best to ignore her; same with Jonathan. I feel like I should consult with her before I like a guy- but I’m afraid that would make my life into an actual Will & Grace episode.
Luckily I only wasted a week. And Heather gets back on the 7th! *excited*
Tonight I’m going to see Last Comic Standing’s live performance in Durham with Bomi. I hope it’s worthwhile, because the tickets were pricey. I spent this weekend being good and drinking with friends instead of looking for tail. I’ve been hanging out with straight people a lot more as a result :S I’m not sure how I feel about that…
To this day, I have never kissed somebody at midnight on new years eve. Looks like this year will be more of the same, even though I voted for change :/
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. Other than me going to a Christian Pride Parade in Cary.
I called Heather to see how her Friday night ended up. I was shocked with duplicity when I found out that she had slept with Mitchell. Not sex, but they had slept in the same bed- after the crappy way he continues to treat her…
I keep telling her not to like him, but the sad reality is: it’s not possible to choose who you like. It’s funny, because she kept telling me not to like Jonathan back when I was interested in him. She continues to advocate avoiding him. She hates him for me, and I hate Mitchell for her, to put it her way.
And yet on Friday night, we both did the same thing. We both had the same reaction too- I just want to be friends, I hope I didn’t fuck things up by doing this. We were both immensely depressed for the rest of the day, mulling over what had transpired. The last thing I want in my life right now is more awkwardness with friends.
To be entirely honest, I feel infinitely better. I’m still freaking out about the LSATs, but when the oral surgeon popped (I almost spelled it ‘pooped’ haha) my tooth out with a few cracks and some tugging, I felt another infected part of myself leave my head.
No, I wasn’t on laughing gas. A heavy and toxic chunk of my thoughts got tossed into the biohazard trashcan with that upper left wisdom tooth and thank darwin it did. I feel much more optimistic about life, and I can actually open my mouth (though not fully).
I’m looking forward to getting the LSAT out of the way, my good friend Mary Beth is having her birthday that night, and I intend to drink like somebody who truly has nothing left to do. I guess I have to fill out those apps still, but they’re not due until March. I’m going to enjoy being single with my friends, without the gnawing gremlin in the back of my mind appraising every guy for datability.
That’s all for now, back to the books.
I regret it every time I look at your facebook profile; I won’t do it anymore. Am I a bad person for hating somebody who writes on a wall? Someone I’ve never met? Yes. Of course! I wouldn’t really call it hate, more like envy.
I just can’t help but wonder why you contacted me just as I was getting over never seeing you again. Was it that you wanted to end it, just not the way you did? Or did you actually want to try being friends? Cause I do- I just don’t know how well I’ll do that right now. Here’s to giving it my best shot?
Blah, fuck it. I’ve been listening to too much rock and not enough Missy, meaning I’ve become a big bleeding vagina. And nobody likes those. Not even lesbian vampires. It doesn’t help that I’ve felt especially isolated while with my family. This week has been a special kind of mental duress. I want to get back to Chapel Hill, but at the same time I don’t want to be in that cold house alone. James won’t be back until Sunday. Myabe Jay will be available. Fuck, I’ll even play with Robert if it comes down to it, and I’m pretty sure he’d poison my martini in front of me. I kind of think I’d still drink it.
Tonight the plan is to go out. I’m so glad Colt is in Charlotte- he’s kept me from tumbling over the edge more than he realizes. At least my family acts halfway normal when outsiders are around. Outsiders are of course defined as “people who would be reported missing if they were to disappear.” I want to be surrounded with gays. I’m falling back to my Nietzsche and embracing the dyonesian. I should talk about philosophy more- but I’m pretty much a Nietzsche and Kant fanboy. Round these parts saying “God is Dead” will get me chased with torches and pitchforks, but WHATEV. Bring it on, I enjoy running.
